The 2013 Bulwer-Lytton winners

Listed by category.

As in earlier contests, I think a few of these are actually pretty good, especially if they hadn’t been forced into a single sentence. Might be one reason I’m having trouble selling books…

A few favorites:

Betty had eyes that said come here, lips that said kiss me, arms and torso that said hold me all night long, but the rest of her body said, “Fillet me, cover me in cornmeal, and fry me in peanut oil”; romance wasn’t easy for a mermaid.
– Jordan Kaderli, Dallas, TX

Martha Lessen broke horses – not in the same way she broke her mother’s good china, nor the way she broke the privy door out back of the bunkhouse, not even the way she broke the heart of Gunther Svenson, which, in that case, is quite surprising since one would think breaking a horse and breaking an ass would be quite similar.
– Kevin Fry, Callaway, MD

It was such a beautiful night; the bright moonlight illuminated the sky, the thick clouds floated leisurely by just above the silhouette of tall, majestic trees, and I was viewing it all from the front row seat of the bullet hole in my car trunk.
– Tonya Lavel, Barbados, West Indies

He had a way with women that was at first endearing, then gradually engendered caution and finally outright rejection, like potato salad at a summer picnic.
– Paul Sutcliffe, Pittsburgh, PA

Our tale begins with the encounter of two gentlemen; I’m going to describe the second gentleman first.
– Mark Donnelly, Co. Wicklow, Ireland

For some reason I really got a kick out of that last one.